She, in the afterlife
An hour or so after Catalonia Smith died from a heart attack brought on by the COVID vaccine…
4 JAN 2024
∙ PAID
…she was sitting in a folding chair, across the desk from an older man, on a cloud in space.
“Good,” he said.
“Why good?” she said.
“Because you’re awake. Most people are DEAD dead. They think their existence is over.”
“It isn’t?”
“Of course not. Now let’s get down to business. Don’t be shocked by what I tell you. Earth is basically an ad. A commercial. For my company. Everything going on down there is viewed by billions of people living elsewhere, on other planets, in other galaxies, who are looking to relocate. Earth is an ad for the kind of existence a person can lead in many places—not only Earth itself.”
“Wow.”
Yes. Wow. You were in the ad. Your whole life.
I didn’t know that.
But now you do. We transport lots of people there. We make sure they don’t know what’s going on.
What happens now? Do you pay me for my work?
Ha-ha. No. There are no salaries. But in your case, we can offer you a different kind of assignment, based on your career on Earth.
I had a Substack. I was a writer. I had nearly 300,000 subscribers.
Yes. We need people to write ad copy and promotion. We’re basically a travel agency. We’re always on the lookout for people who can help us.
I would be an employee?
Yes. You’d sign a long-term contract.
I’ve never written ad copy.
No, but you’ve got the right style. A sort of New York Times Washington Post Reuters way of writing. This is good for us.
Why?
Because while it’s conveying information, it tends to put people in a receptive state of mind. So it’s very popular. People like to read for that reason. They feel they’re getting good data, and at the same time they’re relaxing in good company.
I never thought of my work that way.
You should. It has value. It sells.
I see.
Earth—it’s a model of life on MANY worlds. It’s intended to be that way. As an ad for that KIND of life, on many different planets.
Sort of like a model home people can walk through, in a new development, where all the homes are basically the same?
Exactly. And since you’ve lived a whole life in our ad, you know the drill pretty well. You understand what that sort of life is all about. You can write about it, promote it, punch up its features.
And this would be a good job?
Very good. The pay is excellent, and you work from home. We put you up in one of our hotels. We’re in constant touch with you, feeding you assignments. But you also have time to write ad copy you dream up—copy you think we can use. So you have that leeway, that freedom. You’re partly independent.
Sounds…different.
It’s quite prestigious.
And you want my writing style.
Absolutely. That’s why we’re sitting here talking. It has that somewhat complex yet easy touch that’s so popular among educated readers with discretionary income. They feel their level of education is being catered to, honored, if you will. They feel they’re in a privileged class. They believe they’re reading good writing.
Well, they are.
Sure. We don’t need to discuss that point. The fact is, how YOU write fits THEM. It’s a match. They like what you’re selling them.
Actually, I’m not selling anything. I’m OFFERING my work.
You can look at it any way you want to. Doesn’t matter.
I’m offering facts, common sense, a balanced perspective. I’m not swayed by extreme positions.
That’s what I’m saying. That’s why we want you.
You’re saying the reader and I fit. Together. Like lock and key.
Yes? And?
I’m not trying to fit. I’m making a case for something every time I sit down at my laptop.
That’s fine. That’s what we want.
You’re saying I’m already writing ad copy. That I’ve BEEN writing that copy.
In a sense, you have been.
No. That’s wrong.
Look, we can debate that until the cows come home. You’re going off on a tangent.
I think the tangent is yours.
Does it really matter? You have the perfect style. The style we need.
[x]
I’m not trying to compromise or make people relax or make them feel they’re important. I’m doing important work.
Believe whatever makes you happy. You’re a stylist. You write in a certain way that fits our needs. You appeal to a certain demographic.
I do a lot more than that.
All right. I can see you’re resistant. So let me give you a few truths. You’re a kind of hypnotist. You put people in a pleasant state. They think they’re getting somewhere. This is basically their illusion. It’s a false premise. They only SEEM to be getting somewhere. Because they never change. That’s why they read you and like you. Because they want the ride. The ride tells them they are changing, they are getting smarter, they are improving in some way. But they aren’t. Their wheels are spinning. You’re imparting the spin.
I don’t like this at all. You’re insulting me. I don’t think you know how to make a job offer.
I assure you I do. Do you think you’re the first writer who has come to this place and objected to my pitch?
What the hell are you talking about?